Eden Prairie

Eden Prairie, Minnesota, is named so after the Garden of Eden, and the fact that it is in a prairie. The area used to have trees and stuff, but they all disappeared circa 1942 B.C. because of the Rapa Niu's ritual burning of talking trees, fueled by their love for fire, also known as pyromania.

Ancient


The Devil was the first inhabitant of Eden Prairie, during the Age of Discovery (4000 B.C.-2000 B.C.). To remind himself of home, He named the first river he came across Purgatory Creek. By 3068 B.C., most of the Devil's servants, the Nazgûl, had migrated to Eden Prairie and built the first Wal-Mart. God became jealous when looking down upon the city of Purgatory Creek that the Devil and his servants had built, and in spite, caused the devil to beat his wife.

God sent the archangel Nathaniel to raze the town and set up a new colony in its place. However, this effort was futile because of Nathaniel's falling prey to the evil of the Devil. Nathaniel became the Devil's right-hand servant, and eventually the Mayor of Purgatory Creek in 3129 B.C. One of the Devil's other servants, Beezlebub, was jealous of Nathaniel's position within the hierarchy of demons. Beezlebub's jealousy grew, until he was consumed with a murderous envy of Nathaniel's influence among the demons. Beezlebub challenged Nathaniel to a twerk-off, which lasted for over a decade. Finally, Nathaniel collapsed at Beezlebub's feet, too tired to continue. Emerging the Mayor of Purgatory Creek in 2987 B.C., Beezlebub changed his name to Robin Thicke. Thicke sacrificed Nathaniel to God, as a request for His protection and freedom from the Devil.

Satisfied, God released the Nazgûl from the Devil's spell and renamed them the Guardians of Vishnu. The Guardians, starting from the newly-named Eden Prairie, spread out across the nine continents: Canada, Mexico, Europe, Africa, Arabia, Asia, India, Australia, and Antarctica. As another gift to Robin Thicke, God planted talking trees in Eden Prairie.

Golden Age


The Golden Age of Eden Prairie started in 2900 B.C. with the designation of Africa as an 'inhabitable continent'. This meant that God put Adam and Eve in Africa, and from them sprang forth the human race. Robin Thicke graciously led Eden Prairie to be the finest city in the world, with his companions Taylor Swift and Oscar Schmedlap. As history progressed, more and more city-states and river valley civilizations grew to rival the power of Eden Prairie, such as Fargoland, Egypt, and China. Eden Prairie grew in relations with Fargoland, but the other nations protested for independence. Eventually, in 2867 B.C., Thicke granted independence to all of Eden Prairie's out-of-continent territories. Eden Prairie's dominance over the world slowly declined until 2104 B.C. when God decided to flood the world for fun. Robin Thicke resigned as Mayor of Eden Prairie in 2100 B.C., because of sheer frustration with the people of China refusing to trade with Eden Prairie. This marked the end of Eden Prairie's Golden Age.

The Rapa Niu
After Robin Thicke stepped down as Mayor, Eden Prairie was in chaos, without a leader. The Rapa Niu, who had immigrated to Eden Prairie from Mexico, decided that they would take power over Eden Prairie. The Rapa Niu's hegemony lasted for almost two hundred years, including the reigns of two of the most famous Rapa Niu of all time: Victor Niu and the Mighty Bofan. Victor led the ritual Rapa Niu burning of talking trees in 1942 B.C., and Bofan, before being exiled to Saskatchewan, opened the first McDonald's in Eden Prairie. Bofan was exiled in 1902 B.C. because the people of Eden Prairie found out that he was not actually human.

Age of Gods
After the Mighty Bofan was exiled, Taylor Swift and Oscar Schmedlap returned to Eden Prairie after a 202-year vacation. Taylor Swift became Taylor, the Goddess of Summer and Oscar Schmedlap founded Central Middle School by time-traveling forward to 1946 A.D. Oscar Schmedlap retreated to the confines of Central Middle School's basement after returning from 1946 A.D. Taylor remained in Eden Prairie and led the city in eternal summer and prosperity. She also called upon her fellow gods Eklund, Lord of the Wi-Fi and Baraq Hussein Obama, leader of Al Gebra. Eklund blessed Eden Prairie with Wi-Fi, and Baraq Hussein Obama created the Minnesota Accent. Under the gods, Eden Prairie experienced a cultural movement, a symbol of which was Taylor's song "Love Story", released in 1899 B.C. Taylor also called upon another god: Loki, the trickster. Loki, instead of helping Eden Prairie grow, founded his own city and named it Edina, which in the Rapa Niu language means "Little Eden". To populate this city, Loki made a race of people called the Edinans. As Eden Prairie regrew in cultural and political influence, so did Edina. Tensions between the two cities finally broke into hostilities when Loki sent one of the Edinans to assassinate Oscar Schmedlap. A great war ensued, lasting 100 years, between 1854 and 1754 B.C. Baraq Hussein Obama assumed control of both Al Gebra and Eden Prairie's volunteer military force during the war, facing off against Loki's goblins and the Edinans. Taylor, the Goddess of Summer, helped boost morale in Eden Prairie by releasing the song "You Belong With Me" in 1802 B.C. Eventually, Loki's goblins were defeated by an unexpected hero from Eden Prairie: Jay-Z, a humble young man. For his help in defeating the Edinans, Jay-Z was made the god of Rap. Since Jay-Z seemed to have more popularity amongst the people of Eden Prairie, Taylor made Jay-Z the third Mayor of Eden Prairie.

Jay-Z
Under Jay-Z, the warrior who defeated the goblins in the Edinan War, Eden Prairie slowly declined into a city of slums and poverty. In 1740 B.C., almost half of Eden Prairie was unemployed, and two-thirds lived in places deemed "unfit for healthy living", according to the Census. This decline of Eden Prairie reached an all-time low in 1735 B.C., with over two hundred percent of Eden Prairie unemployed. During this time, Jay-Z had become drunk in power, as well as drunk in love with Beyoncé Knowles. Jay-Z had abandoned the people of Eden Prairie and become corrupt. Jay-Z's best friend, Justin Timberlake suggested searching for the Holy Grail to help the citizens of Eden Prairie. Jay-Z agreed and left with Beyoncé in 1732 B.C. to seek the Holy Grail. In his absence, Justin Timberlake became the fourth Mayor of Eden Prairie.

Justin Timberlake and the New Government
Justin Timberlake had learned from his three predecessors: Robin Thicke, Taylor, and Jay-Z, how to properly take charge of Eden Prairie's booming population of nearly 500,000. He learned not to be weak, not to be too liberal, not to be corrupt. From these ideas, Justin Timberlake founded the Conservative Party, or Tory Government.